Monday, June 09, 2008
Communication Barrier Or Parenting Style?
Jamie Burke's post about teenage CODAs and their communication barrier with their deaf parents prompted me to vlog about the differences between the topic and parenting style.
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22 comments:
Exactly! Many teenagers try to convince their parents by using "But, so and so's mom/dad allows it" or other excuses. Some parents are more lax. Has nothing to do with deaf or hearing. You are right. It is parenting style. My teenager once told me that I was probably one of the better parents and he is proud and loves us more for being a better parent.
Open communication is THE key!
A Deaf Parent
Hi I watch your video under DVTV.. Good topic yeah its about parenting style.. Also, I watch other comments under DVTV under your vlog they called you Jamie.. HMM wonder if thats your name or they misunderstood I know you were referred to Jamie's blog! Smile..
goawayanxiety,
I am afraid I don't understand what you are trying to say? I read Jamie's post but I did not post any comment there. I only read her post on this topic and then decided to vlog about it. I did not write a comment on Jamie's blog.
CY, sorry if I wasnt clear.. You post your VLOG under Deaf Video. TV.. people who made comments under that vlog keep on calling you JAMIE they think your name is Jamie.. I suggest you check DeafVideo.TV see what people said on comments under your vlog. I hope I am clear now.
Goawayanxiety
Ohhhh...I hardly ever visit deafvideo - Tayler's other baby. I forget whatever vlog is posted on DeafRead is also posted on DeafVideo. I better mosey over and clear up! Thanks for the heads up.
Yes, parenting style is a big key to any family! I agree. For example school, some parents (hearing or Deaf) are involved, others choose not to be active. Again a parenting choice.
I think what is important for Deaf parents is to become aware of what possible obstacles their children face. It is a balancing act for kids to have Deaf parents in a hearing world. Some Kodas are "just really laid back" and others "very sensitive" each Koda will be exposed to questions about their family and having Deaf parents aware of those possible feelings is important. If parents are not aware and the child is having issues (like any other issues) then the children might be acting out. My brother and I have completely different lives growing up. Dunno why - I'm older so paved the way for teachers to know there were Deaf parents in the school district? Dunno
Educate about Coda/Koda and allowing parents to use it or not, based on their parenting style. It can also lead to discussion about feelings.
With my teenager, I ask him if he has ever experienced the things I have - ignorant hearing questions or happenings - looks like 90% is the same.
Good Issue!
oh yeah that true! what you said...our 3 hearing teenager are hardhead, never follow our rules, hard times, one of older need better hearing parents than us are deaf parents. i was shock and pissed off. i will never forgive them until we are gone in future..
we did talk them solve problems between parents and teenger 4times but never work!!!
that tough shit!
usswinger1701
Hi, You did the right to explain the situation as parent to your own children because you are educating them otherwise you might lose them for not giving a good disciplinary.... Excellent explanation on the video
Thank you smile
Usswinger,
Don't take to heart that your older said he preferred hearing parents. I think it is natural he feel that way because he might see more smooth communication at his friends' houses. Many CODAs find it tiring to sign and wish they don't have to sign all the time. Teenagers are very self-centered - everything is about themselves. They will outgrow this phase.
Starkcoffeebar,
Yes, it is easy to lose your teenagers if you don't keep the communication channel open and touch bases with them. It is a struggle but worth the effort.
CodaDiva,
Based on your psuedo name, it seems you are a coda...I'd love for you to write as a guest on my blog about your experience as a teenage CODA and how your parents handled you....
i was peek her(lecture)with her brother and half sister in his bedroom more than twice times. she explained about deaf parents are wrong. i was very very angry! that how he and she was change learned from older sister. i knew too late now. it was happened in 2002.
usswinger1701
Do you mean you peeked at conversations between your children and stepchild and what they said about deaf parents were not correct? You believe that their older sister taught them wrong things about deaf parents?
usswinger1701
It's never too late!! Don't give up! We all as parents need help, sometimes it takes some time to figure out how to go forward.
Cy,
Yes - I am a Coda, I'd be thrilled and honored to write for your blog... but I was a "GOOD GIRL" during teenager(wink).
My latest blog post is from an Israeli Coda that talks about how his parents raised him, without sign but how he felt that he must know sign. www.codadiva.com
Check it out!
You can email me anytime.
Now my two children are now fine adults but I remember it was very tough time when they were in their teens.
Raising a teenager is a very challenging time but raising a CODA teenager is even more challenge. Identity crisis stage occurs during the teenage years. Many CODAs will feel they are somewhat different from regular hearing peers but it is the stage they may realize the difference between hearing and deaf cultures. Many may envy the dinner conversation in hearing households and many CODA teens may be complaining why their bedroom can not be locked. However, it is very important to have a very strong parenting style to help CODA to handle through the rough time. Peer pressure at high school is very powerful. I noticed myself I caught hearing kids doing something not properly and could not believe how their professional hearing parents overlook or deny their behaviors. My kids complained to me that I am the only one monitoring and discipling them and I told them I know more and know what are good for them. PERIOD! Now as in their adult, they thanks me many times for me monitoring them carefully. Now I feel it is worth efforts regardless how hard working it was.
I am glad you caught another parent involving drinking with teens. I agree with you it is VERY wrong.
Ahhh... Not only CODA and Deaf parents experiencing the difficults, I do have same situation with my two deaf kids (17 and almost 16), they have the desire to have the freedom from parents. They ask for money, way more than they should deserve. We kept telling them to go out and look for job if they want more money. WOW, I guess it is the society out there influencing the young brains like this to think they are too mature for this and that.
Good topic!
DeafKathy
Agreed! That's the whole point I was trying to say...it is all about teenage and parental relationship rather than communication barrier between a CODA and parents. Teenagers are the same, deaf or hearing!
yes i do believe that their older sister taught them wrong things about deaf parents because i can read her lip. 5 years later (2007)older sister was walk away from us. she no longer live with us then i asked 2 young kids about older sister. both kids told us that she did lecture many times between 2002 to 2007. also both kids did part of fear big sister act like Boss!
usswinger1701
I am sorry your oldest is one of the CODAs that cut off contact with deaf parents after leaving home. This happened a lot in old days but rarely today. Keep communication open with your younger children. Sometimes bad experience or getting ridiculed at school push the CODAs into hating their parents even if the parents are innocent and did not do anything wrong.
Hi,
Wow! I'm glad you are bringing this up. This is an important but overlooked subject that is not easily discussed or accepted very well.
As a parent, we learn as our children grow, we need to be flexible, modify our discipline methods as they get older, communicate with them and help them navigate their way and most of all accept them for who they are. Many of us try to think back to what our parents did to us and then implement the discipline tools on our children, unfortunately some of the tools do not work as todays children and teens are much more sophisicated and perhaps more intelligent. They know that they have rights and they want to negoitage their way as that's what many people do nowdays. Todays society, we can complain and perhaps make our needs known and fixed if possible. Teens see that and they want to do this with their parents, instead their parents say no without explaining why, this makes them extremely frustrated and agiated. Imagine if your boss told you that you couldn't do this or that and didn't give you an explanation, you would be upset and feel that he didn't give you the chance to explain or prove whatever. Teens want to do that, parents need to adapt this mindset and work with their teens, it does not mean that they have to cater to their every wants but parents and teens can certainly come to a compromise that both feel good about and then the teen will believe that they have been taken seriously and are respected. Its not easy as it sounds but it can be possible. When there is a will, there is always a way and parents should take time to talk with their teens and let them know what they expect, what their hopes are and all that and to be in "tune" with their kids.
Hope we can continue with this topic and that more parents will come forward and share things and provide support to one another. As koda parents, our job is a little harder but we can be good parents as you see a lot of successful codas out there so we should not be judged harshly for our parenting styles, sometimes children act out because they have issues that they cannot articulate. It is the job of the parent to try to figure it out and hopefully find some solutions for their child. Unfortunately, we are judged as how we raise our children and when they act badly, people immediately think we are not doing a good job which isn't fair as hearing parents do have the same problems. Society is very quick in judging parents on how their children turn out and its unfair on both deaf and hearing parents. Hopefully one day, parents will not have to be put on a pedatsal and that people will be more accepting and recognize that parenting is one of the hardest job that anyone could ever have.
this story was so TOUCHING! You did the RIGHT THING! I'm so proud of you and look up to you.
Thanks, Posietea. :)
Hi Cy,
Well done vlog of yours! Thank you so much for sharing from your own heart and mind.
From my perspective, You are a great mom who truly cares and loves your sons!
Happy parenting to your 2 sons even though dealing with them can be somewhat difficult.
Happy Summer to you and your family.
God bless.
Cheers,
Katrina:)
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